Valentine’s Day is here again and that means that it is time to fuck. We can pretend that it is about romance, or true love, or any of the other beautiful window dressings that the human race attach to their desire to smoosh their sex organs together but let’s be honest for the five minutes that it takes to read this, shall we?
On Valentine’s Day, tradition dictates that we feed our potential mate before attempting to hump them and there are many foods that are believed to ease the whole process along… To grease the gears… I’m talking about aphrodisiacs. So to help you in your quest to have sex on Valentine’s day, here is our carefully contemplated list of potential aphrodisiacs, rated by how awful an idea they are.
These fishy little morsels taste like you are drinking a little piece of the ocean. They have long held a reputation for being an aphrodisiac, with many restaurants only selling them as boning aids despite their many other admirable qualities. If you are not smart enough to work out the potential downsides of eating raw shellfish that you have never tried before only a short while before attempting sex, then you are probably too stupid to have sex.
Everybody loves caffeine, it fills you up with a subtle vibrating energy that might pay off nicely in certain bed-related situations. There is a lot to be said in favor of an energetic lover, but on the other side, someone full of nervous energy might not be particularly receptive to your affections. Also, I am just laying all cards on the table; coffee gives a lot of people the shits, which is only sexy to a very select percentage of the population.
Getting drunk is scientifically proven to make you more likely to have sex. There are actual scientific reasons, involving hormone levels, but there are also the more obvious benefits of making you chilled out and lowering your standards. The special fruit, that Tequila is made from, Agave, has a long history of being used as a fermented aphrodisiac too.
All of this time you thought it was just Christmassy when in fact it was also horny. Cinnamon has such a long history of being considered an aphrodisiac that it is amazing that the Catholic Church never tried to ban it. It “increases heat within the body” and some people even recommend rubbing Cinnamon oil directly onto your genitals for extra sensitivity. I am not one of those people. Please don’t.
Any spicy food increases blood flow, which in turn should make sex, sexier. However, speaking as someone who has prepared a meal with chili peppers and then made the mistake of going to the bathroom before washing my hands thoroughly, I can tell you that there are definite risks involved. Risks that may end in the bad kind of screaming.
There is literally nothing that avocados don’t make better and that includes sex, apparently. To the Aztecs the Avocado was known as the “Testicle Fruit” for its distinctive, ball-sack appearance. Rather than taking that as a warning, they decided that the avocado was going to be the sexiest meal on the menu. It is one of the only aphrodisiacs on this list that has no potential for a hideous backfire, so I am going to roll with it.
More drunkenness and lude behavior, this time thanks to the wonders of wine. Red wine contains a lot of other fringe health benefits which add up to improved sexy times, like better blood flow, anti-oxidant effects and being tipsy enough to ignore that poster you still have on your wall. Drinking a bottle of wine with dinner is, inexplicably, considered to be both normal and romantic, so it isn’t even obvious that you are trying to lubricate your date.
Everybody loves chocolate and despite its stickiness and propensity to melt all over the place, it works out pretty well as a sex aid; provided you keep it out of every orifice except for mouths. Everyone enjoys chocolate, and unless you are eating your weight in the stuff, it isn’t going to actively interfere with sex happening, so… go with it I guess?
Don’t do it. Don’t even think about squirting whipped cream onto the naked body of your lover unless you are prepared to spend the next month in a bed that smells like sour milk. Sex is hot, body temperature is too high for dairy products to hang around at anyway. Just save yourselves a lot of trouble and potential food poisoning and put the cream back in the damned fridge.
This is a new development. Up until now it was assumed that celery was only good for creole cuisine and Bloody Marys but science has delivered a stack of new information on this stringy vegetable. Apparently, celery contains a chemical which behaves like testosterone within a woman’s body, making it an actual working aphrodisiac on a scientific level. Good luck trying to make anything with celery seem sexy though.
Another vegetable with a surprisingly prestigious history as an aphrodisiac is good old Rocket. It has a tiny spice to it, it fits in as a side salad with most main meals and because its use as an aphrodisiac isn’t very well known, it won’t be apparent to your Valentine that you are trying to get them in the mood. Because even though you both know why you are here, it is somehow a social faux pas to admit that you want to have sex.
This list is far from comprehensive, people insist that practically every food on the planet is an aphrodisiac, but it should warn you away from doing anything catastrophically stupid. If you try out these magical wonder foods and somehow your date still resists your charms, maybe it is your personality.