Man Reviews: Shit You Don’t Need(In The Kitchen)
Editor's Note: You'd be surprised at how hard it is to find a picture that symbolizes shit you don't need. Enjoy this picture. At least there's vodka and animated cleavage.
Let's Talk About Shit You Don't Need:
Has enough time passed that you can get rid of some of the junk you got for Christmas? I sure hope so, cuz I'm going to tell you about some shit you don't need. More than likely, we all have some of this lurking somewhere in our kitchen. Really, for me, all I need to cook with is some pots and pans, a good knife, and a few utensils. So look out bread makers, salad shooters, egg separators and other useless gizmos, your days are numbered! I'll start with two of the major modern offenders and why they both belong in a freakin landfill.
Offender #1: Sous Vide Devices
Sous Vide, translated from the original french, means "put food in a bag and boil it". These machines go for hundreds of dollars so that you can put food in bags and then submerge the bags in hot water. One of the worst horrors in my recent memory was watching a steak emerge from a lovely red steak go into one of these and then emerge an hour later from the sous vide grey and shimmering with plastic. Oh, the humanity!
The idea, and I'm being generous to call it that, behind a sous vide is that it will cook food to a precise temperature, which we laymen cannot possibly accomplish by, ya know, knowing how to cook food. If you need a 200 dollar pot of water and zip lock bag to cook a steak to medium rare, you have no business trying to cook a steak.
Besides the fact that they take forever to cook things, needlessly add plastic packaging to the cooking process, and are ridiculously expensive, the sous vide is also bulky and takes up needed counter or storage space. If you want to have a clean kitchen, getting rid of clutter is essential – having to move things to clean a counter top just adds one more step to the already arduous process of cleaning, so skip the sous vide. If you absolutely need to boil food like potatoes or vegetables, you can save approximately 180 dollars if you boil it in a pot, the way God intended! If, on the other hand, you look at a juicy blood red piece of Angus beef and think "man, I'd love to put this in a bag and boil it" though, you are a danger to yourself and others and should seek help.
Counterpoint: I am told a sous vide is good for slow cooking meat and that it has health benefits. Keep in mind though I'm also told that not eating gluten has health benefits, so take that with a grain of salt and a big old crust of bread.
Manly alternative: Put stuff in a pot and boil it.
Offender #2: Nutrabullet RX
What is a nutribullet? What even is it? The Sous Vide at least had a purpose, something it sort of did that other kitchen gadets didn't. The nutribullet? It's a blender. A fancy upside down blender that costs 3 easy payments of too damn much for a blender. Why would anyone pay up to 80 dollars for a blender? Well, there's a couple of reasons.
Firstly, these things are marketed as being great for health. You buy one, fill it with kale, acai berries, and stuff that's green and gluten free and tastes like cardboard, and then you blend it up and drink it, and it's supposed to cleanse your body of toxins. Toxins are evil yet wholly undefined particles that do something in your body that's not good, and acai berries, combined with an expensive blender, are the only thing that can kill them. Sure. You could just as easily make the shakes and smoothies in a normal blender and pour them into a cup. But that cup wouldn't be magic and remove toxins! Which brings me to the second reason.
The other reason is that it's marketed by a dangerous yet charismatic lunatic. The company that made the Nutribullet hired David Wolfe to flog their stuff, the same David Wolfe responsible for a lot of the anti-vaccine and general anti-science memes your elderly aunt shares on facebook. If the guy can convince cancer patients to stop taking their chemo and just eat magical pineapple he sells, he's surely capable of convincing people to buy a blender for more than 3 times market price. Seriously, don't buy anything from this guy, kitchen gadget or otherwise.
Counterpoint: My old room mate told me it’s easier to clean than a blender, and you can carry your shake in the chamber and then wash it out when it’s done.
Manly alternative: Use a blender.
I hope you enjoyed these reviews and maybe it helped you get up the drive to de-clutter your kitchen a little bit. What are some of the most useless gadgets you've gotten for your kitchen? Sound off in the comments, and maybe I'll do an article on those next!