Welcome To Our 1 Man Kitchen

Mastering Meatloaf

Comfort Food 51

The Scenario:

The cold is still lurking outside, just waiting for us to lower our defences, and I for one have no intention of letting it into my house. Which means that everything that I eat in this next month needs to be robust, hearty and suitable for large hairy men to eat in a log cabin. The most manly of all foods is of course meat, but how can it be made even more manly? By turning it into a brick of course! Meatloaf.

While it is not required that you listen to the entire album of “Bat Out of Hell” while you are preparing this meal, I will be quietly judging you if you don’t.

What You Need:

An oven

A great big bowl

A loaf tin

A chopping board

A big sharp knife

A big spoon

Ingredients To Serve 4:

1 pound of turkey mince

1 pound of beef mince

Worcestershire Sauce


Brown Sugar

1 onion

2 eggs

Salt and Pepper

Minced garlic


Olive oil

Cider Vinegar

Hot sauce

Optional extras:

I have seen meatloaf served up with a lot of weird and wonderful side dishes over the years, from blooming onions to egg fried rice. I prefer the more traditional approach myself, mashed potatoes are great for soaking up any excess sauce and they have the added bonus of making this big filling meal even more big and filling.

French fries and roasted potatoes are good choices too.

If you are into that sort of thing, you can serve up some vegetables with it too. Corn on the cob is best, cauliflower with cheese works too, but broccoli would probably be alright if you have to have something green.

How To Do It:

1. This recipe seems to have a lot of ingredients, but actually preparing it is really easy. First thing is first; chop up your onion as fine as you can.

2. Preheat your oven to Gas Mark 5/ 375F. Use a bit of kitchen roll with a drop of oil to grease your tin.

3. Sprinkle two tablespoons of brown sugar into the bottom of the tin, then cover the whole bases of it with one comically large spray of tomato ketchup. Drizzle a little of the vinegar and drop in a little hot sauce and stir it all together. This was the complicated bit.

4. In your big bowl, crack in your two eggs, sprinkle in some cumin, dust with salt and pepper, add in the chopped onion and three teaspoons of minced garlic, a dash of Worcestershire sauce and then finally add all of the minced meat.

5. Mix everything in that bowl together until it is a sticky mess of “meat dough,” then cram all of that meat on top of your sauce in the loaf tin and pat it flat.

6. Throw it in the oven and then abandon the kitchen for an hour to go rock out to your newly discovered love of Meatloaf.

7. Stab that meat brick with a knife when you finally come back. If it bleeds, burn it some more. Otherwise, that is your delicious meal ready. Take it out of the oven and flip it over onto a plate or chopping board. When you lift the tin off, the sauce will pour down over the rest of the loaf and it will be ready to eat.

Serve out slices of this delicious meat lump to your fellow lumberjacks and try to casually explain why you think that maybe mullets aren’t the worst choice for hair and why they should really listen to this “I Would Do Anything For Love” song that you just discovered. If they don’t seem to be buying it, just blast it at full volume, or threaten to withdraw your newfound cooking skills.

Meatloaf can be shoved in the fridge and reheated in the oven for a few days after you first make it. You can also take those slices and pop them between two pieces of bread to make a decent lunchtime meal too. So even if you don’t happen to have three big burly dudes hanging around to help you eat this meal, it will still get eaten and might even last you three meals provided you don’t go into a meatloaf frenzy and gobble the whole thing, solo, in one sitting.

G D Penman writes books. He lives in Scotland with his partner and children, some of whom are human. In those few precious moments that he isn’t parenting or writing he likes to watch cartoons, play video games, read more books than are entirely feasible and continues on his quest to eat the flesh of every living species. He has worked in just about every job you can have in a restaurant and now he is here to yell at you for using a microwave when there is a perfectly good oven right there.

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