Welcome To Our 1 Man Kitchen

Piggy Quesadillas

Something Different 50

The Scenario:


If you aren’t entirely clear by now, me and bacon have a relationship going on. We love each other, support each other, clog each others arteries… okay so some of it is only one way but rest assured, we are involved. So when it comes time to make some of the least healthy Mexican food that you can make without a deep fat fryer, you know that I am reaching for my bacon.


Quesadillas can be healthier than this, they don’t have to be massive heaps of molten cheese and meat, but what is the point of eating a healthy version of an unhealthy meal? If I am going to hell, I don’t want to be in the passenger seat I want to be bouncing on the accelerator and screaming all the way down. On that note, allow me to introduce you to my good friend, the Piggy Quesadillas.

What You Need:


A flat bottomed frying pan

A slotted spoon

A spatula

A bowl

A sharp knife

A chopping board

Ingredients to Feed 2 Ravenous Animals Masquerading as Men:


1 chorizo ring

10 slices of bacon

10 tortillas

1 pound of Cheddar and/or Monterey Jack cheese

5 Spring Onions

Cayenne Pepper


Optional extras:

Most people serve quesadillas with sour cream as a dip. I like to mix it up with some guacamole and salsa too, but that is just me. If you want to elicit a few laughs you can serve these on a bed of salad that you then promptly discard. If you are one of those people who can eat bell peppers raw, then you can slice a red one up and insert it alongside the spring onions. You maniac. The same is true of red onion, but if you can eat red onion raw then I am not sure that you should be allowed out in civilized society. If you are trying to be clever, you can add some salsa inside the quesadillas, but hot salsa isn’t to everyone’s taste, and it risks making something that should be extremely crispy into something soggy. Which is intolerable.

How To Do It:


1. Chop up your sausage into tiny bite-sized slices and do the same with your bacon.


2. Put your pan onto a medium heat and let it warm up, then drop your meats in it.


3. Sizzle it. SIZZLE IT!


4. While that whole “cooking” thing is happening, chop up your spring onion and shred your cheese.


5. Use the slotted spoon to scoop all of your bits and pieces out of the frying pan, set them aside on some kitchen roll.


6. You should have a frying pan full of red chorizo oil and bacon grease. This is the best of all potential outcomes, slop that over into a bowl for now, then pop a tablespoon of it back into the pan and bring it up to a medium heat.


7. Place one of your tortillas in the pan and quickly top it with a pile of cheese. Top that with your meats, some spring onions, a sprinkle of Cayenne and even more cheese.


8. Put tortilla number two on top of that pile and watch as the bottom one turns golden and your cheese starts to melt. The moment it has gone gold. Use the spatula to flip the whole thing over and do the other side.


9. Once both sides are crispy and golden, the cheese inside should be completely melted. Whip the whole thing out of the pan and quickly slice it into 8ths, and serve it up.


10. Repeat the process until you run out of tortillas. If you have any cheese or meat left over then you have done something wrong.

These tasty treats make for a great snack for a room full of dudes, or an intimate meal for you and a loved one who you would be happy to spend the rest of the evening rubbing the stomach of while groaning about how good they were, how full you are and how foolish you were to have that ninth slice.

G D Penman writes books. He lives in Scotland with his partner and children, some of whom are human. In those few precious moments that he isn’t parenting or writing he likes to watch cartoons, play video games, read more books than are entirely feasible and continues on his quest to eat the flesh of every living species. He has worked in just about every job you can have in a restaurant and now he is here to yell at you for using a microwave when there is a perfectly good oven right there.

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