Welcome To Our 1 Man Kitchen

Tuna Pasta Surprise

Cheapskate Meals 99

The Scenario:


It has been a long week, you have been working hard, you need something to eat, but actually preparing a meal for you and all these strangers that have just shown up in your house for some reason is too much like hard work. Then again, you can’t exactly order in a pizza every time you can’t be bothered. So here it comes, brace yourself for the laziest of all lazy meals that can still be considered a meal. Tuna Pasta Surprise. The surprise is that it is tuna, pasta and whatever else you fancy eating raw.

What You Need:


A Stovetop

A Pot

A Big Spoon

A Tin Opener

A Strainer

Ingredients To Feed As Many Hungry People As You Want:


Three handfuls of dried pasta per person

One tin of tuna per two people

Mayonnaise


Optional extras:

​Hot sauce, a dash of Tabasco really brightens this meal up

You can really go nuts with the extras, but just remember that whatever you add to the pasta will not be cooked. Some people can stomach all their vegetables raw, other people get queasy at the thought.

Sweetcorn

Bell Peppers (chopped up finely)

Cucumber (chopped up roughly)

Spinach Leaves

How To Do It:


1. Put the water in the pot, put the pot on the stovetop at full heat.

2. Once it is boiling, add the appropriate amount of pasta, or far too much, depending on if you want to have this for lunch tomorrow too.

3. Open up the tins of tuna, drain off the water or oil or whatever they decide to put in there next. Then put it down and wait.

4. Drain off the pasta once it is cooked. If you are not sure if it is cooked, take a bit out and bite it. If it doesn’t make a cracking noise then it is cooked.

5. Set aside the drained pasta and use the pot as a mixing bowl, throw in the tuna and a two tablespoons of mayonnaise for each tin. Stir it up. Add your optional extras once it has turned a uniform grey.

6. Pour your pasta back into the pot with the tuna, stir it all together.

7. Serve it out into bowls, hand out forks, get stuck in. It isn’t the greatest culinary delight that is going to ever come out of your kitchen, but it is better than starving… or having ramen yet again.

In a covered bowl or container, this pasta can stay in your fridge for a day or so, reminding you of that one night when you were too lazy to make a proper meal. If you are smart about it, this one bowl of pasta can last you the whole weekend. Assuming you don’t get tired of eating the same cold pasta for every meal.

G D Penman writes books. He lives in Scotland with his partner and children, some of whom are human. In those few precious moments that he isn’t parenting or writing he likes to watch cartoons, play video games, read more books than are entirely feasible and continues on his quest to eat the flesh of every living species. He has worked in just about every job you can have in a restaurant and now he is here to yell at you for using a microwave when there is a perfectly good oven right there.

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