Welcome To Our 1 Man Kitchen

Visiting Mother Cheesecake

Sweet Tooth 65

The Scenario:

You have been living alone for a few months now. At some point, you know that your mom is going to come and visit you, just to make sure that your apartment isn’t actually on fire. You know it is going to happen, so you need to head it off at the pass; call her up, invite her around. Not for dinner, that is a trial and tribulation for another day, but at least for a cup of coffee and a chat in the afternoon. You have spent a good few hours hiding anything that might look vaguely like porn, you have scrubbed every surface in the house to within an inch of its life and you have pushed all of the empty Doritos packets firmly under the sofas. You have even washed two cups so that you can have the coffee.

But wait… there is something that you have forgotten. Adults don’t just have coffee when they invite one another around; there are usually cakes and biscuits and stuff too. This is it, your chance to prove that you are a real grown up adult capable of fending for yourself, feeding yourself and paying taxes.

It is time to bring out the big guns… and by big guns I mean a simple chocolate cheesecake.

What You Need:

A food Processor

A fridge

A big bowl

A big spoon

A round tin with removable base or a spring-form

Ingredients For 1 Cake

8 oz of Graham Crackers

1 jar of Chocolate Spread

5 tablespoons Unsalted Butter

16 oz of Cream Cheese

3 tablespoons of Icing Sugar

Chopped hazelnuts or more icing sugar to dust the top with

Optional extras:

This cheesecake actually works best when it is served straight from the fridge with nothing else on it. It is a nice accompaniment to coffee, particularly espresso, but ultimately it stands on its own a lot better than it would if you doused it in cream.

How To Do It:

1. Crumble your crackers into the food processor, then add your butter and a tablespoon of your chocolate spread. If you like nuts, you can throw a couple of tablespoons of chopped hazelnuts into the mix too.

2. Pulse it until it has turned into something that looks like wet brown sand.

3. Pour your sand into the round tin and pat it down as evenly and as flat as you can make it, it will never be perfect, but you don’t want it to be too topographical.

4. Shove that in the fridge to set, it is going to be the base of your cheesecake.

5. In a big bowl, mix together your cream cheese and icing sugar until it is smooth, then add in the rest of the jar of chocolate spread and stir like your mother’s love depends upon it. Because it does.

6. Grab the base out of the fridge and carefully spoon out the creamy chocolatey mixture and try to level it out too.

7. Top it off with a layer of chopped hazelnuts, or dust some icing powder over the top.

8. Put it back in the fridge and leave it the hell alone for at least four hours, but preferably overnight. Don’t take it out until you are serving it, then put it back into fridge after you have cut off slices for you and your mom.


She will be so impressed with your newfound skill at cooking that she might actually stop worrying about you for a whole five minutes. It is also always a good idea to feed middle aged women chocolate cake for a whole host of other reasons, but the main one is that it is going to make her really, really happy.

G D Penman writes books. He lives in Scotland with his partner and children, some of whom are human. In those few precious moments that he isn’t parenting or writing he likes to watch cartoons, play video games, read more books than are entirely feasible and continues on his quest to eat the flesh of every living species. He has worked in just about every job you can have in a restaurant and now he is here to yell at you for using a microwave when there is a perfectly good oven right there.

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