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Vodka Madness

Thirsty Thursdays 73

The Scenario:

Let’s say that you are somehow the only person at this time of year who isn’t so broke that you feel like weeping. Let’s say that you want to get hammered, while also having more money than is entirely reasonable, more specifically, let’s say that you have a bottle of fancy-ass Vodka with nothing to do with it.

There are a lot of things that you can do to waste cash and get drunk, if you want to maximise your money loss to drunkenness ratio you could just start collecting really old wine or drinking Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, but there is something special about making yourself up a really fancy cocktail and hoping like hell that drinking that cocktail isn’t going to erase its recipe from your memory.

Now, not every one of these drinks is going to look the most manly as you sip it, but every one of them is going to fulfil a manly purpose, beating the ever loving shit out of your liver. If you think you are tough enough to take the hit, it is time to pick up your cocktail shaker and get ready to party hard.

Salted Caramel Pecan Sour:

Sometimes you don’t just want to be drunk. You want to be fat, drunk and grinning because you are glugging what tastes like pure caramel. Let’s get indulgent up in this bitch.


3 ounces of finely chopped pecans

5 ½ ounces of caster sugar

½ teaspoon of salt flakes

3 egg whites

4 ounces of Clementine Juice

16 drops of Chocolate Bitters

6 shots of Vodka


Ground nutmeg and a dried orange slice to serve

1. Toast the pecans in a dry saucepan on a high heat.

2. After 2 minutes, take them off the heat and pour in the sugar and 3 ounces of water.

3. Add your salt and then stir it like crazy until the sugar dissolves.

4. Leave it to cool, then sieve it to remove the pecans.

5. Add the caramel you just made to the vodka and egg whites in a cocktail shaker, then shake it hard for half a minute.

6. When that is done, add in some ice and shake it some more.

7. Strain the contents into a cocktail glass, drop the orange slice on top and dust the froth with nutmeg.

Drinking raw egg?! You are like a body builder or something! Definitely not a sad lonely drunk who is knocking back delicious caramel flavoured vodka that he just spent about half an hour preparing!

Sea Breeze:

What can be more manly than a Sea Breeze? The ocean air in your face, the waves throbbing beneath you and the only thing standing between life and squid filled death is your sheer force of will and seamanship!


A shot of Vodka

A shot of grapefruit juice

Three shots of cranberry juice

1. This is a nice lazy one after all of that pecan wackiness. You just pour the three ingredients into a tall tumbler and maybe, just maybe, put a few piece of ice in.

This thing is light and refreshing in all of the ways that the first drink was not. It also has a slightly more sane ratio of Vodka to everything else. Don’t worry, we will get back to stupid in a second.


Here is where we separate the men from the boys and the sane from the people who are willing to drink this.


2 shots of Vodka, served in two shot glasses

1 lemon wedge

A teaspoon of white sugar

A teaspoon of espresso powder

1. Put the sugar and espresso powder in your mouth.

2. Put 1 of the shots of Vodka in your mouth and hold it there while the other ingredients dissolve using the slice of lemon placed between your teeth.

3. Chew the lemon and once everything has dissolved, swallow.

4. Chase that concoction with the second shot of vodka, as a palette cleanser, before starting over again.

The Nikolashka is less of a drink and more of an experience, you either drink it alone in a dark room while plotting the downfall of your enemies or you drink it in a perfectly white room while wearing a beautifully tailored grey suit. Either way, it is pretty much just an excuse to shotgun vodka while consuming enough caffeine to keep you awake enough to drink the next one.

G D Penman writes books. He lives in Scotland with his partner and children, some of whom are human. In those few precious moments that he isn’t parenting or writing he likes to watch cartoons, play video games, read more books than are entirely feasible and continues on his quest to eat the flesh of every living species. He has worked in just about every job you can have in a restaurant and now he is here to yell at you for using a microwave when there is a perfectly good oven right there.

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